After winter, must come spring

I've just returned from the grocery store... or should I say emporium... I was like wading through the cast of the supranos... woa... life here is very different. I puttered around to collect the few items on my list... I was there to collect all that was needed to make my grandfather some poutine... having had his request the day before I am honored to make it for him.

I have no concept of cost here any more. I managed to spend 33$ on purchasing no more than 6 items. I was so dumbfounded when I got to the cash and realised that I didn't have enough money to pay as my mum only gave me 30$ I feel like a stranger in a place that is supposed to be my home. I guess with the grief and such everything is compounded. Seeing Hazel tomorrow will be such a happy thing... it will be a connection between what I have here and the new chapter of my life back in London.

I promised myself that I would make an effort to do something pro active today other than staring out into the back yard... I'm supposed to go for drinks at falicte (sp?) tonight with Noeleen when she finishes work.

There were so many people at my dad's visitation last night he would have just loved it. I can't even begin to explain how emotionally draining it was to stand there in a sort of receiving line and console all those people. I was honored by Yvonne's most generous and beautiful flower arrangement and by Mark and Cathy and Andy's visit as well by seeing Audrey and Griff. My friends are most wonderful. I have had nothing but support and well wishes from all the people at my office and Hazel is just a dream.

Lauren Hill is so very right.... After winter, must come spring.

A Passing

As a bizarre irony my previous blog was a lot closer to the mark then I could have ever imagined. Seeing that my dad passed away suddendly Monday morning. I've managed to live 26 entire years without losing a soul that was near and dear to me. I have seen my friends through losses but this time, this time it's my time.

I think that my head is still in a dream like place. I woke up in London and went to bed in Toronto. I never knew that an 8h flight could last an eternity. It's so strange to be home, and even stranger to be sitting her on my dad's computer writing this blog, knowing that he's gone. He didn't suffer and wasn't even sick so for that I am thankful. Tomorrow is the service and the visitation for friends. Its going to be a tough one.

My friends are most amazing and have been so supportive, I just find it really hard to adjust to let other people take care of me as I am much more in my element when I take care of others. It's an intersting experience. The photographs we've collected for the visitation had memories pouring out of places I didn't even know I had. Nostagia is a powerful thing. I sat on my front patio almost all day long with my mum and sister and aunt and grandfather... at one point my sister had found my old sticker album and my youngest cousing sacha leafed through it with great enthusiasm. God how I used to treasure those stickers. It's almost a lifetime ago. I amd sun burnt like you can't imagine... whoever says global warming is a hoax must spend a day in the Toronto april sun and then come and talk to me!

Running some errands this evening with my sis in the shopping centre I was acosted with questions by shop clerks asking me where I was from citing that my accent was not from here. They didn't belive me when I swore I was born and raised here. Canadians have an eternal reverence for all that is foreign. It was kind of disconcerting and didn't help my reverse culture shock much... but when social energy is low like it is it doesn't take much to drain you.

I'm not sure what I'm going to say at the service tomorrow. I don't want to connect to reality by organizing... I wihch I was confident enough to be able to come up with something nice off the cuff... don't trust the water works too much and so I think I have to bite the bullet and write some things down.

Man, it's so unfair... how my father would have loved the beautiful sunshine we had here today. But who knows... maybe it's sunny everyday where he is now:)

Famous Last Words...

"Pardonnez-moi, Monsieur" (Marie Antoinette, after treading upon her executioner's foot).